I missed a day working out, but that's ok. :) I got back on track today. I think Im going through a mildly depressive episode. I'm hoping Ill be out of it sooner than later.
I haven't weighed myself since my doctors visit, but Ive tried on some of my other clothing, the ones Ive been avoiding, since I did know I was getting bigger, I just cared not to acknowledge it. They are most obviously tight and obnoxiously keep me from breathing.
In any case I force myself to wear them as a constant reminder that all this working out is going to eventually gain something for me.... of course that is the ability to breathe in clothes, again. :D
My birthday is coming up in 11 days and two things are going to happen. First I'm going to quit smoking. And second:... I'm obviously going to have access to alot of food at my little party...
Ive decided to set goals for this day: 1. don't smoke. and 2. eat everything I want... WITHIN my calorie intake, which is about 1900 calories. :D Can I do it?? I think I will.
I know James will buy me a cake for my birthday, I'm hoping it will be something else, although all my best friends(and he knows) know cake is my favorite food. I hope he reads my mind and buys me a gift card or a hat.
In any case. I have goals for my birthday. I'm feeling much better in the emotional department. Little fat boy has moments of sadness, but we get through it with journal-ling and TIO(talk it out). Its getting better. I notice I eat much better after therapy. So I'm going to have my therapist move in with me. JUST KIDDING!!
blah blah blah. now I'm just rambling. Love you guys!(all of you reading this with kindness and patience.)
kat.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
The hungry little fat boy
Today was rather interesting for me. I managed to exercise late in the evening, which is usually not my thing. I ate apples and cottage cheese, some oatmeal an egg... and my dinner(salmon, a baked potato, corn on the cob and half an avocado), oh and a chocolate Popsicle, today. So I think I ate pretty well. Obviously the very large angry fat boy in me is still hungry and throwing a tantrum.... but I'm fighting it. I figure I only have a hour left before bed time.
Today Ive been thinking about my eating, more. I obviously have mental issues, or I wouldn't be in so much therapy.... one of my issues is borderline personality disorder, or BPD. I was reading in my current book "I hate you don't leave me" that borderlines tend to eat in excess in accordance with deep emotions they cant express.
How do I distinguish the eating between hunger and emotion eating? Where do I find the little hungry fat boy... the one that doesnt really want food, but wants something deeper. a connection, some attention, some affection.... Or am I thinking about this too much? Am I utterly crazy that now Im trying to dig deep inside of myself to find a starving little fat boy who cant express himself?
Today I also realized, with the help of a good friend, Liz, that I only see in black and white. I can either eat too much, or like today, hardly eat. I don't know how to eat in between. Much like my life. I dont know the gray within the black and white.
So I guess I start this with food, tomorrow. Ill use a calorie calculator to match the healthy balance of calories for my size and nutritional needs. I will connect my mind and body together. I know I will.
Today Ive been thinking about my eating, more. I obviously have mental issues, or I wouldn't be in so much therapy.... one of my issues is borderline personality disorder, or BPD. I was reading in my current book "I hate you don't leave me" that borderlines tend to eat in excess in accordance with deep emotions they cant express.
How do I distinguish the eating between hunger and emotion eating? Where do I find the little hungry fat boy... the one that doesnt really want food, but wants something deeper. a connection, some attention, some affection.... Or am I thinking about this too much? Am I utterly crazy that now Im trying to dig deep inside of myself to find a starving little fat boy who cant express himself?
Today I also realized, with the help of a good friend, Liz, that I only see in black and white. I can either eat too much, or like today, hardly eat. I don't know how to eat in between. Much like my life. I dont know the gray within the black and white.
So I guess I start this with food, tomorrow. Ill use a calorie calculator to match the healthy balance of calories for my size and nutritional needs. I will connect my mind and body together. I know I will.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The mind fruit and the lonely girl
So I got weighed today at the doctors office. Ive gained 22lbs since September of last yr. Definitely not the highlight of my day. Definitely did not want to have to come to that sad realization that I actually WAS going somewhere with my weight loss but I gave up on it because I wasnt rail thin within a few months, like I used to do in the past.
Now that Ive gained 22 additional pounds I realize that its actually me thats the problem, not the weight. Obviously theres a slew of things going on inside of me mentally, and emotionally... but moreso motivationally.... Im trying to pinpoint what it is exactly that causes me to give up when things are going so well. It seems to be a theme in my life.
So where do I start? I mean... start as in find myself internally and pinpoint that weak spot that causes me to give up on me? How do I change it? I found that weak spot, today, working out. I looked at the timer, 46 minutes left and I became instantly fatigued... yes, thats right 11 minutes into the workout I was ready to throw in the towel. No reason. I felt fine when I started but suddenly the energy zapped out of me and there I was going through the motions, not really in the moment, enjoying my workout like Tony Horton intended me to.
Maybe it was the trip to California(I left this last weekend to pay respects to my dying grandfather)? Or the intensive therapy(yes, Im crazy, and Im damn good at it!!) session I had today.... maybe its just me....
Now for the eating habit changes.....
As of now I eat about 3349504850943854095843 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a day. Ok, more like three... but still..... Its alot of carbs and sugar. I got to change that habit really quickly. I just dont know what else to eat. I have no imagination when it comes to food. If its not premade Im usually too lazy to touch it. Definitely need to change that habit, too. I did buy a huge salmon filet and plan on grilling it tomorrow sometimes and eat that for a few lunches with a light salad and some tortilla chips and fresh avocados.
Well, thats it for now. Ive come to the conclusion that this blog will no longer be about my p90x journey, but my emotional and mental one as well. I find that they are working together. I WILL find myself under this flab. The flab of the mind and body. I want to be free.
When I come back to this blog I hope to bring something a tad more interesting. Specifically for you, ang, since you were brave enough to publicly follow me ;)
Now that Ive gained 22 additional pounds I realize that its actually me thats the problem, not the weight. Obviously theres a slew of things going on inside of me mentally, and emotionally... but moreso motivationally.... Im trying to pinpoint what it is exactly that causes me to give up when things are going so well. It seems to be a theme in my life.
So where do I start? I mean... start as in find myself internally and pinpoint that weak spot that causes me to give up on me? How do I change it? I found that weak spot, today, working out. I looked at the timer, 46 minutes left and I became instantly fatigued... yes, thats right 11 minutes into the workout I was ready to throw in the towel. No reason. I felt fine when I started but suddenly the energy zapped out of me and there I was going through the motions, not really in the moment, enjoying my workout like Tony Horton intended me to.
Maybe it was the trip to California(I left this last weekend to pay respects to my dying grandfather)? Or the intensive therapy(yes, Im crazy, and Im damn good at it!!) session I had today.... maybe its just me....
Now for the eating habit changes.....
As of now I eat about 3349504850943854095843 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches a day. Ok, more like three... but still..... Its alot of carbs and sugar. I got to change that habit really quickly. I just dont know what else to eat. I have no imagination when it comes to food. If its not premade Im usually too lazy to touch it. Definitely need to change that habit, too. I did buy a huge salmon filet and plan on grilling it tomorrow sometimes and eat that for a few lunches with a light salad and some tortilla chips and fresh avocados.
Well, thats it for now. Ive come to the conclusion that this blog will no longer be about my p90x journey, but my emotional and mental one as well. I find that they are working together. I WILL find myself under this flab. The flab of the mind and body. I want to be free.
When I come back to this blog I hope to bring something a tad more interesting. Specifically for you, ang, since you were brave enough to publicly follow me ;)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)